Review: The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork

I haven’t been feeling like reading lately. It’s probably a side effect of everything I’ve been going through. We had to put Willow down last week, and it hasn’t been easy. I really miss her. I had her for about fourteen years. That doesn’t just go away. It’s going to take some time, so I’m trying to be patient. I still can’t believe it a lot of the time. It’s one of those things: I always knew this day would eventually arrive. The diagnosis of colon cancer made that much more of a reality. But that doesn’t make its arrival any easier.

Today I ran out of patience and felt like I needed to do something. I thought maybe reading would at least help me get out of my own head and into someone else’s. I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the book I’m currently getting through because it’s much too upbeat with this message of “taking on the world” for my energy level right now. So instead I took a look at my bookshelf in my bedroom and picked up The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork. I’ve read this book before a few years ago. It was recommended to me by my 7th grade English teacher, and in my experience his book recommendations are usually thought-provoking and powerfully written. This one is no exception.

This story is about Vicky Cruz after an attempted suicide. We follow her journey through recovery and rediscovering herself as she learns to cope with the struggles in her life. She meets other people around her age in the hospital, and their brutally honest friendship helps her redefine what it means to want to live. My opinion, this is an excellent read and you should pick it up if you get the chance.

This book was also perfect for what I needed today. It’s not forceful. It all flows very naturally. Being in a state of grief can line up in a lot of ways to depression, the main difference being that grief is more temporary and can be less debilitating. Having a book that isn’t trying to push with its imagery was exactly what I needed. There are a lot of elements in Vicky’s life that she has been questioning that line up with some things that I’ve thought in my own life at times. For one, feeling like I have to pretend. I feel like not a lot of people get to see the real me that doesn’t feel any pressure to be a certain way. At work, I have to be presentable and make a good impression for everyone. It’s not that I feel like I’m a fraud or living dishonestly. But it can still feel very exhausting. 

One of the other kids in the hospital, Gabriel, talks about being needed. He tells Vicky, “When you’re needed, goals and doing your best and being all you can be are not things you think about all that much. You just show up every day because someone needs you.” (chapter 13). I think this sums up my relationship with Willow a bit. She was sick, so no matter how hard it was for me to see her losing weight, eating less, and struggling to sit in comfortable positions, I was with her through every moment I could because I absolutely had to. She needed me. And I took care of her. I haven’t just lost a cute fluffy little cat. I’ve lost a life that loved me and needed me so much. There are times I feel as if I’ve somehow let her down. I know logically that I haven’t. I did everything I could to keep her happy and content, and I succeeded until it was no longer up to me anymore, when she was in so much pain it didn’t matter what I could do, because it wouldn’t fix this.

I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do when I have to go back to work on Monday. I was somewhat lucky in that I had already arranged to take Friday off for my brother’s graduation ceremony. We took Willow to be put down on Thursday. So I’ve had some time to sit with this, but it’s still going to be really hard. My job requires me to be present and friendly with people both in person and over the phone. I like people, I enjoy talking to them. But it can be hard when I’m not feeling up to communicating all that much. I think The Memory of Light was the perfect book for me to pick up today. I’m feeling a little more ready to take all of that on.

I know this wasn’t exactly a book review. It was more of a personal reflection fueled by what I was reading. And maybe some of my book reviews will be more focused on the actual book itself. But as I said in the beginning, this book is thought-provoking and powerfully written. It sort of forces you to take a look at your own life; to empathize with Vicky and notice the ways that you might be alike. She’s a person who’s struggling to find where she can fit herself. I think at one time or another everyone has had that same struggle, though in our own ways. I would recommend this book, I love books that not only have an interesting story, but also make you feel something. This kind of book can stick with you after you’re done reading. That’s exactly what I needed today.