Willow

It's been a while since I've last written anything that I've actually felt like publishing. And lately I've been very busy getting adjusted to a new job. But also, I've been having a lot of trouble feeling very motivated lately. Winter depression hit me hard this year, and I sometimes feel as though I am still suffering some of its effects. I know that's been true with my nail art page on Instagram. In general I've never been good at keeping a solid posting schedule with that. And I've made a point of not trying to make one. For me, the nail art is a creative release. And as such, it can't be forced. Sometimes I feel the creative juices flowing, and I will paint my nails everyday. Other times, I struggle to even pick one color. But isn't that the way life is too? There is no steadiness, not for long. Things fluctuate and change constantly. As someone who fears change, this can be a difficult thing to come to grips with, but I'm slowly learning.

I've been spending the past few months getting adjusted to a new job. Actually, it's the first full-time job I've ever had, and my second job since graduating college (the first being a brief stint as a sales associate at American Eagle over the holidays). It's a good job, and there are a lot of things I am enjoying about it. That being said, this is also a huge adjustment for me. I think it can be hard to remember that everyone experiences things differently. Just because my commute is small and I'm not yet experiencing all the responsibilities that the job requires doesn't mean that this isn't difficult.

There's something that I want to talk about here that I haven't really gotten to express fully before. I've spoken to those close to me about it, but I want to really dive into this. It's about my cat. My perfect, wonderful, amazing Willow.

She's dying.

This photo was taken the day of her biopsy.

In October, after a series of vet visits and unanswered questions, we found out that she has colon cancer. There are a myriad of emotions to deal with in that fact alone, but since it was several months ago at this point I've already processed a lot of it. Willow has been amazing. She has been such a survivor and such a trooper with everything that has happened. She's gone from being a fluffy pillow who loves belly rubs to a skinny, bony old lady whose voice main goal in life is to nap on my lap and steal the pepperoni from my pizza.

At this point we're counting the days. Back in October, the doctor gave us an estimate that she would live another one, maybe two months. But since she didn't have a sense for how fast or in what fashion the tumor was growing, it was just an estimate. I remember being so worried that she wouldn't make it to Thanksgiving. And now just recently we have celebrated Easter, and she is still here; still hanging on. This process has been a painful one, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Since the tumor is in her colon, we've been giving her stool softeners so things continue to... come out... back there. Yeah, it's not a pretty picture, I can tell you that. But through all of this, Willow is still so sweet and loving as she always has been.

It's hard to believe that I was only 10 when we first got these cats. So many pivotal events have taken place in my life since then. I remember the day pretty well, which makes it even more unbelievable that it was so long ago. My family all climbed into the van and drove to Rhode Island to the animal shelter. At the time we had our eyes on different cats that we had seen on the website. I remember when we were there, my brothers and I kept playing with this adorable black kitten. We would bounce this tiny ball on the ground and he would leap for it when it was at its highest point. Then I remember my mom pulling me away for a moment to meet these small white cats who were sitting in the corner. We knew we were looking for three cats that day, and here were three siblings sitting amicably together. One of them was sitting on her own in a cat bed. Then the other two were in a cat tree in a little cave area, the girl sitting protectively in front of the boy who was trying very hard not to be noticed. My mom had taken that girl cat and was holding her in her arms. She turned to me and said, "Katie, you have to hold this cat," and she handed her over to me. I'd only ever interacted with the two Siamese cats we had growing up, and I figured this one wouldn't take too kindly to me flipping her legs up in the air and holding her like a baby, so I did my best to wrap her in my arms while kneeling on the ground. It wasn't the best method, her back feet didn't even leave the floor, but as soon as I had her in my arms, this cat just melted. She leaned into me and began purring in earnest. What can I say, it was love at first sight. Willow knew pretty quickly that we were going to be her family. And she sure knew how to sell herself. Of course, the shelter was very quick to tell us that all three of them were basically the same to try to cement the decision. It really is amazing. We set out to get three cats, one for me and one for my brothers, and it couldn't have worked out more perfectly. Each person got their cat, and it seems that each cat was in agreement of who their person would be. It seems that Willow and I were really destined for each other.

Here she is sleeping on my lap.

I know not everyone will understand the connection between a person and a pet. I can almost certainly say that, even though I am sure there will be many, many more pets in my life, I don't think any of them will ever be quite as special as Willow. She's my girl. I can't bear to lose her, though I know it's inevitable. If not cancer now, it would have been something else later on. That's the way it works, I can't change it no matter how much I want to.

There's a little insight into what I've been dealing with. It probably has a lot to do with my lapse in creativity. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in complete tears writing all this down, but it was something that I really wanted to say. I express myself so well in writing, I'm able to say things much more honestly and openly than I can ever say in person. That's also why I would like to delve further into my writing. If things go my way, you'll be hearing a lot more from me more often.