Wisdom of Pain

I’ve been using the Calm app for guided meditations for a while now. I find it’s pretty helpful. Over the past week I’ve been meditating almost everyday and it’s been nice. Today’s meditation was called “Wisdom of Pain.” At the end of every meditation, Calm includes a quote that embodies the message of the meditation. Today, it was a quote from the Dalai Lama:

I’ll often save the quotes on my phone that most resonate with me for whatever reason. I saved this quote. Not because I found it profound and enlightening, but because I see it as more of a goal. I have no idea how to achieve that wisdom. The meditation was a struggle. Sometimes that happens. I’m not always able to calm my thoughts enough to steer my focus to my breath. But I think the focus of this particular meditation had something to do with my discomfort as well.

For years, I have been experiencing severe pain in my back. It comes and goes. I can go months without it bothering me at all. At its most intense, it feels like I’m being stabbed, so that’s fun. When that’s happening, I can’t walk very fast or for very long, I can’t sit upright or lie down in most positions without the support of several pillows. What started as a tennis injury back in high school has become something that guides my daily life. I’ve come to realize that it’s always in the back of my mind, no matter what I do. Right now I’m going through a flare up. This time around hasn’t been nearly as bad as I know it can be, so I’ve been able to soldier through for the most part. But I find that every time I feel the pain beginning to flare up again, I’m overcome by anger and frustration. And underlying that is fear. I am afraid of pain. During the meditation, the speaker asked us to feel whatever tension comes up around our pain and to relax into it a little. I wanted to do that. I wish I was able to let go and allow things to pass. But I find that there is a part of me that believes that if I relinquish whatever sense of control I have, then things will get so much worse and the pain will consume everything. It’s funny, I am so much better with my emotional pain than my physical pain. I have a feeling that if I learn to surrender to pain and let it run its course, I could be much happier and more at ease. Unfortunately, I’m not really sure how to do that. I know, not very uplifting. It’s just how I’m honestly feeling right now. I have a whole other blog post ready to go that’s all about a success I had earlier in the week. But right now it doesn’t fit my mindset, so it wouldn’t feel right to post it. Maybe getting these words out there will help lessen its hold. I’m having trouble really internalizing what the Dalai Lama quote says. I don’t know how pain can become wisdom, that part just doesn’t compute since I’m geared to want to avoid pain at all costs. Perhaps if I sit with it for a while, the meaning will become a little clearer. For now, I’ll just have to hope that tomorrow feels a little better.